A WALKING CORPSE
The next two weeks were painful. We barely spoke to each other. We owned an apartment, a joint account and we had to settle things. Remember I left school and I was now financially dependent on him, which made me frankly uncomfortable. He told me he would pay the rents until July, I was to manage from there. I no longer recognized him but mustered enough courage to say “OK.” The pain was excruciating; I had never felt such pain. I couldn’t eat or sleep and nothing made any sense to me. I fumbled with my thoughts trying to understand why he had not left me to my studies and my financial aid: “why, why, why…?” I screamed while the tears ran down my cheeks.
Later during the week he contacted me to say he would be coming in on Saturday to pick up the rest of his stuff. We talked a little before he said “I rented a small place already. I was wondering if you wanted me to return the IPOD Touch you gave me for Christmas?”
My heart sank, “Why do you want to return it?”
“I loved the gift so much I just got myself an iPhone.” Yet another blow! I was barely a walking corpse and dear sir was having the time of his life. How dare he!
A few days later, we picked a fight because I searched his emails and instant messages (he had not changed passwords).
“Atembe, I’m hurt and I’m trying to find answers. I’m sorry I had to do that, but since you won’t tell me what went wrong…I probably shouldn’t have invaded your privacy, but when I noticed you had resumed contact with your ex and said things about me like ‘she dropped out of school, she has no ambition, it was a chore fucking her…’ it tore me into shreds.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He said in his usual calm tone. He finally said, “I’d like you to be there on Saturday when I come around because we have many movies and would need to share them.” I agreed. Call me desperate but I would agree to anything just to see him one last time.
He came in on Saturday morning looking very normal, gave me a big hug, a kiss on the cheek and asked if he could sit for 5 minutes before starting to pack up his things. I agreed and we started talking about everything and nothing. “Why did you get in touch with several people you had vowed never to speak to again?” I asked.
His tone went up a notch, “Wait a minute, you can’t be asking me…”
“You know what, I’m not up for a fight! I’m going to lie down a while,” I cut in. I heard him scoop his stuff (no furniture, they were all mine). He kept asking whether I wanted to keep one thing or the other; I simply said, “take what you want.” He took about one hour to pick up his stuff. I was in the living room on my computer by the time he was through, trying to act as indifferent as possible. He finished packing and asked if he could sit down and take a pepsi or “do you want me to leave immediately?”
“Atembe, you are home, you pay the rents, do what you want.” I replied. He took a sit and we started talking and then he asked for one last hug. I told him I had something for him – a Farewell note. “Read it when you can – Maybe in your truck on the road. It is important.” He took it and asked if he could read it right away. I did not know what to say but in the end I accepted uncomfortably and I let him read it in front of me.
I simply want you to know that I have accepted the fact that it is all over between us. Since I met you, I have done nothing short of loving you. I am torn by the pain of losing you and I feel lost without you. My soul is empty and my heart is broken beyond repair.
I try to recall the way we once were, smiling and loving each other. But all of that is gone now and there is nothing but an empty space. I used to think I was enough for you, that I completed you as you did me. Apparently I was wrong. I will surely get over this. But I think you have been very selfish, callous and inconsiderate in the way you called off our four year long relationship. Right now my heart is in pieces but one day I will rebuild it.
Goodbye my dear love
He cried a little but remained very quiet. Finally I said, “I think you should leave now.” He asked for one last hug (he was sitting on the couch). I got up and sat on his laps and gave him a hug. My heart hurt so much. I was literally choking.